five of the best Irish jokes
1. Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. Me husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father …”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
She says, “He said, “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
2. A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.
'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'
Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.
Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.
'Will he live?' inquired the boys.
Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'
'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.
'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.
3. Murphy had asked Casey for the hand of his daughter in wedlock.
'And can you support a family?' asked Casey.
'I think so,' replied Murphy.
'Well. There's six of us, you know,' said the future father-in-law.
4. Murphy had studied the facts carefully and had come up with the following conclusions.
The odds against being on a plane which had a bomb on board were 10,000 to 1.
However, the odds against being on a plane which had two bombs on board were 10,000,000 to 1.
'That settles it,' he said. 'From now on, every time I fly I'm taking a bomb with me!'
5. 'Is that the Liverpool Echo?' said Patrick.
'It is.'
'How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?'
'Five pounds an inch,' replied the receptionist.
Too dear!' snapped Patrick.
'Why? What are you selling?'
'A ten-foot ladder,' said the Irishman, and banged the phone down.